Precious Cargo (2016)

  • Time: 95 min
  • Genre: Action | Crime | Drama
  • Director: Max Adams
  • Cast: Mark-Paul Gosselaar, Bruce Willis, Claire Forlani


After a botched heist, Eddie (Bruce Willis), a murderous crime boss, hunts down the seductive thief Karen (Claire Forlani) who failed him. In order to win back Eddie’s trust, Karen recruits her ex-lover and premier thief Jack (Mark-Paul Gosselaar) to steal a cargo of rare precious gems. But when the job goes down, allegiances are betrayed and lines are crossed as Jack, Karen, and Eddie face off in a fateful showdown. Lionsgate Premiere will release the action thriller in theaters and on demand on April 22, 2016.


  • Mark-Paul Gosselaar thinks he’s hitting his stride in an action drama. And when he blasts golf balls from the sand in Precious Cargo (my latest review), his swing is decent with everything else kind of going to pot. In truth, all I see is the dude from Saved by the Bell and/or Dead Man on Campus. It’s the Ryan Reynolds syndrome guys and that can’t be good. Bruce Willis, well he now delivers all of his lines sitting down or on a cellphone. Talk about collecting a paycheck without any manual labor. Pathetic. Gosselaar and Brucie barely meet while starring in “Cargo”. Yup, it’s one of the worst films of 2016.

    Precious Cargo with its glossy look and nonsensical boat chases, has an interesting opening scene straight out of 2008’s Street Kings. Then it’s all downhill from there. The first five minutes are goofy, campy, and bloody. You get to see ‘Zack’ Morris showing off his gun-toting, badass side. But oops, the opening credits emerge and you know you’re in for some bad, B movie rubbish courtesy of Max Adams (he wrote last year’s Heist which is heads and tails above this). “Cargo” has villains in it that don’t shoot straight, a typecast Willis who gives yet another ho-hum performance (he seems to play the heavy a lot these days), and tongue-in-cheek interludes that are truly out of sync. Added to that, the acting is beyond poor with shootouts that are stupidly violent. Director Adams harbors lots of gunplay intertwined with location shots of various hotels in sultry, Gulfport, Mississippi (who knew Gulfport looked so much like Miami, FL). It’s all look-at-me, amateur filmmaking of the unholiest order.

    Bottom line: Anyone included in this thing was either desperate for cash, thought that they were making something feasible, or were tired of being washed up (that mostly includes romantic interest Claire Forlani). I could have watched The Conjuring 2 this weekend but instead chose to get in touch with my On Demand side. What a bad investment.

    With one of the worst, paint by number scripts ever written (the dialogue includes a heavy demoralization of women and cringe-worthy penis jokes) and only one star-making turn by a dog named Grace (really?), Precious Cargo chronicles a thief aptly named Jack (played by Gosselaar). Jack somehow gets sucked into doing another robbery job with the help of his ex-girlfriend, Karen (the troupers don’t have last names, I’m not kidding). Karen is being hunted down by a token crime boss named Eddie (Willis). They are trying to steal I guess, diamonds that Eddie wants but doesn’t deserve. It’s all hogwash claptrap with everyone trying to act either tough, funny, or overzealous. I wish I was the producer so I could fire all the screenwriters involved (there were two of them but who’s counting). When a henchman character calls a beautiful woman character “d*ck breath”, that’s where I draw the line.

    In conclusion, a lot of people die in “Cargo” but the cops are never around. It’s weird. In this movie it appears that no type of authoritative agency even exists. Add tired, horrid closing outtakes and you have another straight-to-video casualty on tap (this flick was released in Italy, Portugal, and the UK but was it put out in theaters? That remains to be seen). In jest, Precious Cargo just needs to be sent back. Natch! Rating: 1 star.

    Rating: 1 out of 4 stars

    Check out other reviews on my blog:

  • “The fact that you borrow my dog in order to trick your veterinarian girlfriend to thinking you’re an animal lover is pathetic. I am an animal lover, I’m just not an animal owner.”

    It’s official. This was the last movie with Bruce Willis I wasted my time on. Whenever I expect a come-back from my eternal hero, I’m always disappointed afterwards and realize that apparently the check size was more important than the content of the film or an enthusiastic commitment. And probably the salary wasn’t high enough after seeing the intensity of that commitment and enthusiasm. A head of lettuce in my father’s garden shows more drama and empathy than Mr. Willis in this pseudo-action crime story. Look at his expression when Jack (Mark-Paul Gosselaar) blows up a car in front of his hotel. Painful. A horrible moment for a Willis fan like me. I would rather throw the lettuce from my father’s garden towards the screen.

    Eventually Willis wasn’t such a bad choice after all, since the rest of the movie is as bad. When will directors finally realize that a crime movie gets the labeled “immortal” pinned on because it contains an unprecedented and fascinating story in which passionate and charismatic actors appear. And it’s not the amount of ammunition that’s used throughout the film that’ll make you earn that label. The gunfights in “Precious Cargo” are so irritating bad and ridiculously exaggerated. I think they’ve used as much ammunition as during the landing at Normandy. Statistically speaking it isn’t such a bad idea. They are all such bad shooters that they might have a chance to hit something after shooting so intensively. One stray bullet is sufficient. Even Stevie Wonder would be a better shooter. And every time I’m wondering what material most objects are made of, because they can withstand a huge amount of bullets every time.

    Mark-Paul Gosselaar wasn’t so bad. Although I didn’t understand where he got the title “Michelangelo of Thieves” from, because he wasn’t particularly intelligent. When you’re so stupid to fall for a ridiculous lie of an ex-girlfriend and blindly consider an alleged pregnancy as true, you’re certainly not blessed with a well functioning brain. Luckily I didn’t recognize him immediately as the more mature version of Zack from “Saved by the bell”, otherwise I would have given up much earlier, because this was one of the most annoying television-series from the 80′. Claire Forlani is an elegant appearance and tried her best to act believable as the pregnant ex (who could cope with hectic situations despite her condition). Needless to say she began to irritate me after a while as well.

    Compared with this, “American Heist” was highly enjoyable. Expect a series of clich├ęs. Like the macho-style and tough language used whenever possible. This leads to embarrassing moments like the one where Christoph Rob Rowen puts some silicone-filled blonde bimbo’s in their place. The gang members keep appearing from every corner throughout the whole movie while their arsenal of weapons increases visibly. There’s the semi-romantic entanglement between Jack and his ex on the one hand and on the other hand one with his new girlfriend, veterinarian Jenna (Lydia Hull) who imagined a romantic dinner quite different. In the end apparently she finds Jack’s lifestyle just normal.

    Is there really nothing positive to say about this film? Yes, there’s still one bright spot in it. And that’s Logan, played by Jenna B. Kelly. She’s not only a dazzling beauty but also she expresses herself in an amusing way. Definitely she’s someone to handle with kid gloves. But at the same time I’m sure she’ll probably becomes extremely enjoyable as she starts to purr. If I was Jack, I would consider her to become my girlfriend, instead of the other two nitwits. Afterwards I noticed how many participating actors were also present in “Extraction”. If I knew this in advance, I wouldn’t even bother to watch this monstrosity in the first place.

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