Parlor (2015)

parlor_2015_poster
Parlor (2015)
  • Time: 98 min
  • Genre: Horror
  • Directors: Devon Downs, Kenny Gage
  • Cast: Robert LaSardo, Jordan James Smith, Claire Garvey, Sara Fabel

Storyline:

“Parlor” is a horror film about a mysterious nomad simply known as the “Artist” who practices a dark art form passed down through the generations. He creates much more than tattoos for tourists who visit his Lithuanian Tattoo Parlor. Shot entirely on location in Vilnius Lithuania, Parlor features two well-known cast members in the tattoo and horror world. Heavily tattooed lead actor Robert LaSardo (Death Race, Nip/Tuck, Human Centipede 3) portrays “The Artist”, and Sara Fabel (well-known Finnish tattoo artist and model) plays his seductive apprentice “Uta”. Parlor will be a frighteningly, terrific thrill to the die-hard fans.

One review

  • “The Yakuza got it all wrong.
    Skinning a dead man’s body only wounds the canvas.
    Elasticity is gone.”

    Now and then I like to watch a horror movie from the sub-genre “torture-porn”. I’ve read somewhere, before I saw this movie, this description : “a gory, gruesome black comedy horror flick”. Well to be honest it was quite a huge disappointment. Indeed it’s a “torture-porn”, except that the torture part looks really soft (or you’re someone who only saw “The little house on the prairie” all his life of course). In addition, there’s quite some female nudity shown throughout the movie, as if they wanted it to be a soft-porn. As far as the tortures is concerned, it could be more extravagant for me. As for the female nudity (which incidentally contributed absolutely nothing to the story), this could be less explicit (Not that I’m a prude or anything, but when I watch a horror movie, I don’t want them to serve me a half-baked porn).

    Amy (Tiffany DeMarco), Jesse (Jordan James Smith), Kelly (Claire Garvey), Kevin (Anthony Del Negro), Brock (Ben Whalen) and Stephanie (Beth Humphreys) are 6 friends who are on a summer vacation in Europe and they decide to make a stop in Lithuania. Their main activities during their stay in this country include partying all night long, consuming liters of alcoholic beverages and an attempt to work themselves through the entire Kama Sutra. Brock, a chunk of energy when it comes to drinking and seducing girls, bumps into the eccentric, wild and fully tattooed vamp Uta (Sara Fabel) who invites him to a private party in a tattoo shop called “The Parlor” where she works as an apprentice with a person who’s just called “Artist”, an expert in the field of tattoos. Brock likes this idea and Amy accompanies him with the intention to get a tattoo as a souvenir. However, they soon realize that the “Artist” preserves a centuries old tradition. It’s a procedure that involves more than just tattooing a butterfly.

    First of all, I do want to make a remark about something that really gets on my nerves in movies. If you really want to show scenes that are filmed in a dance hall or disco, is it so hard to put together a crowd with people who are able to dance to the rhythm of the music? I fully understand that not everyone has the talent of a Fred Astaire, but a whole dance floor filled with “out of rhythm” dancing stiff youngsters, is a bit too much. If you start paying attention to it, it’s quite disruptive. Next time call for a bus full of teenagers who hang around in a local dancing all the time and this scene will be more credible and realistic. That alone was already a bad sign about the level of this film. Another bad sign is the phenomenon female nude (or it might be necessary and functional for the film). I remember “The Sacred”. A terribly bad horror where soft erotic scenes were used. In my opinion this is a smart way to camouflage the pitiful story. And in “Anarchy Parlor” the ladies were well equipped to cover the minuses. Google for images of Beth Humphreys and you see what I mean. The career this lady has in mind is obvious (And her butt is also a treat to look at). Joey Fisher is also such a lusty lady who has more space for flower pots on her balcony, then I have here at home. Had the “Artist” used her as material, than he easily could reproduce “The Night Watch” by Rembrandt.

    Is there something positive to say about this movie ? Of course. The charismatic and demonic-looking Robert “Death Race” LaSardo was a hit. Obviously his physical appearance is perfect for this movie, which connects the art of tattooing with bloody ancient traditions. The man himself is a walking tapestry. But above all it’s his engaging and captivating personality on the one hand and the indifferent attitude that makes him extremely creepy. The conversation between him and Amy is without a doubt the best part of the whole movie. And then there’s the like-minded Sara Fabel, a well known Finnish tattoo artist, who plays an energetic role and makes a ravishing appearance with those long blonde manes and a sensual body covered with winding tattoos. Only the acting isn’t her greatest asset. It all seems so exaggerated and forced. And Tiffany DeMarco wasn’t bad at all, except that she’s repeating herself all the time and uses the “You’re sick / Let us go / F*ck you” quotes over and over again. The rest was negligible victim material. A group of pampered and terribly annoying teenagers with an intellect of a very low level.

    Are you a hardcore fan of this genre ? Then this is a must see for you. But the “Artist” summarized it already when he expressed his dissatisfaction about the art of tattooing in a philosophical mood. Once a tattoo was a statement and a way to live outside the structures of a conventional society, while now it’s just a fashion trend. The ultimate message and thoughts behind the phenomenon of tattooing, diluted over the years. Ultimately you can connect this reverie to movies like “Anarchy Parlor.” The first torture-porn like “Hostel” and “Saw” were imitated by a series of failed attempts that profit from the success of previous successful films. Metaphorically, you can say that “Anarchy Parlor” solely is a butterfly among the “torture-porn” movies. Such a pity !

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